Tuesday, April 1, 2008

RADAR : 100 Ways to Go Green

Act Natural
100 ways we're trying to go green
By Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, and Ted Travelstead

This list is from the February issue of Radar Magazine.

1. Powering down Grandma's respirator after dark.

2. If it's yellow, letting it mellow.

3. Definitely thinking about downloading some world music this weekend.

4. After first use, turning condoms inside out.

5. Finally extinguishing that backyard tire fire.

6. Turning down the air conditioners in our Malaysian sweatshop.

7. Using Bat Signal only when absolutely necessary.

8. Making sure the Hummer's fridge is outfitted with plenty of organically grown veggies.

9. When taking cabs, insisting that drivers turn off their headlights.

10. Lobbying to have acid rain renamed "purple rain" to make concept more accessible to Gen Xers.

11. Promoting "Gorp Day" at Yankee Stadium.

12. Although not carpooling, consenting to use carpool lane.

13. Switching from plastic water bottles to a wooden cup tethered around neck with twine.

14. Controlling the compulsive need to incinerate underwear after each use.

15. Naming firstborn "Inconvenient Truth."

16. Switching to paperless death threats.

17. Settling for slightly less awesome laser shows.

18. Forgoing baths for rigorous cycle of "wind-bathing."

19. Petitioning NASA to convert all space shuttles to electric/unleaded gas hybrids.

20. Offering our above-ground pool to big business for toxic waste disposal.

21. Switching to hemp implants.

22. Running dishwasher only to mask sound of masturbation.

23. Insisting that Baskin-Robbins workers wash and reuse our pink sample spoons.

24. Less grocery shopping, more bow hunting.

25. Waterboarding straight from the tap.

26. Forgoing paper napkins, and just wiping hands on pants.

27. Wearing computerized R2-D2 costume only at major sci-fi conventions.

28. Calling the White House every 10 minutes.

29. Spending whatever it takes to make the foot-powered Flintstones car a reality.

30. Devoting left pocket of jeans solely to composting.

31. Tithing 5 percent of our paycheck to the Rainforest Cafe

32. Advancing Winged Migration to number one in Netflix queue.

33. Donating old stacks of Rosie magazine to Alzheimer's patients.

34. Not buying that polar bear ankle muff.

35. Setting T-shirt cannon to low.

36. Asking, "Have I shamed anyone today?"

37. Praying on mountaintops so angels can hear us better.

38. Using only Energy Star–compliant vibrator and nipple shocks.

39. Taking bus to job at the Freon plant.

40. Unplugging all but our most essential lava lamps.

41. Instead of owning TV, watching neighbor's TV through telescope.

42. Replacing standard light bulbs with kerosene-soaked torches.

43. Washing the Escalade with citrus-based cleansers.

44. Instead of scooping dog turds into plastic bags, just kind of kicking them to the side.

45. When driving, flagellating self at every red light.

46. Buying a bunch of rain sticks from the hippie pagoda at the mall.

47. Eating only "found" food.

48. TiVo-ing anything Ed Begley, Jr.–related.

49. Compensating for our carbon footprints by liquidating equivalent consumers.

50. Taking long walks and pondering a world in which our kids couldn't enjoy huge indoor malls, too.

51. Posting book reviews on Amazon instead of tossing thousands of leaflets out our car window.

52. Giving Captain Planet another shot.

53. Shopping at Whole Foods or whatever.

54. Bypassing wasteful containers and insisting Frappuccino be pumped directly into esophagus.

55. Replacing Christmas tree with mound of freshly shorn grass from highway median.

56. Switching from spray to roll-on tan.

57. Slitting gills into chest just in case underwater adaptation becomes necessary.

58. Changing e-mail signature to include a photograph of a smiling penguin.

59. Having anonymous sex in the back of the library instead of in one of those big chain bookstores.

60. Decreasing junk mail by living under bridge.

61. Running all marathons dressed as Mother Earth.

62. No longer using the 18-wheel rig to run errands.

63. Reducing the size of giant novelty checks by 10 percent.

64. Building McMansion that will biodegrade in two months.

65. Getting the Guardian Angels involved.

66. Only half-drying pets in the microwave.

67. Humoring solar panel salesman.

68. Not paying bills online instead of not paying bills on paper.

69. Eating less porpoise.

70. Instead of throwing away old antifreeze, letting the next tenants worry about it.

71. Introducing some "biodiversity" to the bedroom.

72. Restricting leaf-blowing to Saturday and Sunday mornings, from 6 to 8 a.m.

73. Kissing Leonardo DiCaprio's ass more.

74. Eating that last McNugget, even if it fucking kills us.

75. Canceling son's bar mitzvah reception on oil platform.

76. Donating broken cell phones and pagers to kids who wouldn't otherwise have a Christmas.

77. Encouraging people to use biofuels; pretending we're deaf when asked what they are.

78. Switching to cloth adult diapers.

79. Responding to news of latest coal miner tragedy with complete lack of empathy.

80. Murdering drifters in pairs to conserve trash bags.

81. Urging condo association to ratify Kyoto treaty.

82. Instead of golf carts, switching to Korean/Chinese caddy hybrid.

83. Saying "I've seen Who Killed the Electric Car 68 times," and then saying, "Yes, I'm deadly serious."

84. Taking up residence in neighbor's tree until he agrees to start recycling.

85. Modifying car's engine to run on rocking power of U2.

86. Using disco ball only during sex.

87. Same thing we're doing about the war on terrorism: writing a very impassioned blog post.

88. Cutting down on own personal "greenhouse gas emissions" with Beano.

89. Changing gang colors to green.

90. Holding bong hits in lungs for additional 15 seconds.

91. Instead of broiling steak, wrapping it in warm scarf.

92. Eliminating personal environmental impact by putting self in chemically induced coma.

93. Recycling 15 years' worth of "How to Recycle" pamphlets.

94. Replacing electric chair with good old-fashioned guillotine.

95. No longer melting polar ice caps with our sizzling hot freakdancing.

96. Demanding frightened illegal immigrant at car wash describe how water is treated and recycled.

97. Establishing "Tofu Tuesdays" in prison commissary.

98. Taking only two 30-minute showers per day.

99. Old paint cans = new shoes.

100. Lowering thermostat two degrees—are you happy now, Planet Earth?

APRIL FOOLS !!!!!!!!!!!!

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