Yesterday I rode my bike for a visit to the GI Doctor to check in on my Celiac Sprue, and since I never recovered properly on the Gluten Free diet they are now wanting to probe for the possibility of something called "Refractory Sprue". Bleh. Which meant a whole bunch of tests to be run - I gave blood and then was then given a huge BIO HAZARD bag with a milk jug sized container to collect poop in - WTF? Immediately I was like "Hey I don't have to fill this do I?" and the nurse was like "No , just everytime you use the bathroom you put the 'nun hat' on the toilet seat (she held up a plastic contraption) and you go in the 'cool whip bowl'." Uh, nuns and cool whip and poo all together made me queasy to think of.
But not as queasy as....... the appointment they made for me at the hospital for a Barium MRI. I was like "Isn't barium a metal?" and the nurse tells me "no", so I say "I am allergic to alot of meds I don't think this sounds good for me, is there an alternative?" and she says "we don't think you'll have a reaction". So I came home and used the trusty rusty internet to tell me what I already knew- they want me to ride my bike 3 miles to the hospital after fasting, then on an empty stomach drink a metallic milkshake that will dye my insides so they can take snazzy med pics and tell me something I may or may not want to hear. I am also the perfect candidate to have a bad reaction, reactions that can include going unconscious, migraines and vomiting.
So here's my list of ...
Terrible things I rather do then drink Barium! :::
1. poo on a Nun's hat (pun intended)
2. poo on a real nun (or be the recipient of nun poo)
3. slash a nice person's tires
4. kiss a clown (and/or be spanked by a clown) ....gawd I hate clowns!!!!!
5. rob an old man on crutches of $20
6. stick my hand in the piranha tank at the New Orleans aquarium for over 10 seconds
7. give my cat a cold bath
8. give Dr. Phil a hug and let him tell me what he thinks is wrong with me
9. have 20 roaches crawl on my naked body (or alternately be naked in a room full of mosquitoes)
10. have someone's vomit splash on my fav wool sweater
11. spray myself in the eyes with pepper spray
12. go on a blind date at night to a remote unlit area with no phone
13. put a slug in the sun to bake
14. watch Fox News 3 nights in a row
15. have sex with Morgus the Magnificent (with Chopsley watching).
Would you drink Barium?