Monday, June 6, 2011

OKstupid, The Worst of me and them!

Since I have been sick all week and have had to lay down in bed alot.... plus started feeling more moody then I am accustom to - i started a bit of a funny, evil, entertaining useless project for myself.
It doesn't save the planet. It's not nature friendly, but maybe all the research will save me wasted time in future relationships.....
I have been jumping from random profile to random profile on OKcupid.com (the dating site) and picking out lines from men's profiles, and then writing down what i think after reading it. I apologize in advance if you were somehow picked and then somehow found this blog post. It's not personal.... i am just sick in bed and need to giggle.

HERE WE GOOOO:::::::::

________________________________________________________________
"I'm looking for a friend and then some as things progress naturally and at the perfect time."

ummm, not shit sherlock! Dont we all want that.
__________________________________________________

"
Food: organic, low meat (except for the occasional steak) I love some chicken, cheesecake, bananas, rissoto, hummus, oh did i forget to say I AM THE GOD OF CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!! my dark chocolate truffle pie is orgasmic"

god of chocolate? Like you have to scream it???
_________________________________________________

"The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I have a large purplish colored tumor on my ass that must be scraped 3 times a day because of the excessive pus and the fungus. I have a dot in my eye."

Of course that is supposed to be a joke. but i didnt laugh. heh
_______________________________________________________

"You should message me if
a) you're a total babe and so smart it's intimidating.

b) you like to cook and pick out the suit i wear to work everyday the night before.

c) options a and b"

ya cant pick out your own clothes or cook for ya'self? Oh mama boy, why dont you call her up, i am sure she misses you.
____________________________________________________

"I've been on a bit of a self imposed break from dating and romance in order to get my own head straight, but now I find myself missing the kiss of a lovely woman."

controlling.
_______________________________________________________

"i look like a bum, even though i do live in an apartment (ie, am not actually homeless) "

thanks for the heads up!
________________________________________________

"The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I havent had a meaningful relationship in 4 years

Every once in a while I listen to the Indigo Girls and Tori Amos."

oops. you probably should not have admitted those!
___________________________________________________

"BIO: Who Me? I'm just some mostly het, aging male hippy, polyamorous, vegetarian, musician, electronic engineer. I live on a in small house in the woods of Western NC with my partner serene68, and whoever else happens to be living in our guest house at the time."

(*** Rolls EyeS**)

__________________________________________________


"My smile!
My kind eyes.
My goofy expressions!
My large and flowing laughter. it goes like this...
... hahaha HAHAH ... HAHAH .. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! haha. ha.
My large, luscious, nibblable lips. ;) "

whoa. ha ha? HAAAAAAAAAAAA??? ok nevermind.
_________________________________________________________________

"Tommybb"


watches online cam girls. Ya know it bb. lol

_______________________________________________

"just fond out about okcupid this morning. no time to fill in profile yet. you can check mine out (google pof). captain1111 "

Fucking LAZY!

________________________________________________

"wantajerk"

um, no. I am sure that screen name is working magic though on this dating site.
____________________________________________________

"My current project, purchase, or the media I'm consuming. I spent two days thinking about Mulholland Drive (and watched it twice in those two days). This type of obsessive thinking happens over and over to various degrees. It's both a good and bad trait for a programmer, I think. "

huh? oh sorry i wasn't listening, i was thinking about how my eyes glazed over and i felt lost.
______________________________________________________

"Drugs are no longer a part of my life, and if they're a big part of yours, we are on different trajectories. Good luck with that! "

Trajectories? Is that druggie talk?
__________________________________________________

"I found out last year I'm allergic to nuts. It's the great tragedy of my young life. "

really? is that all. I found out i am allergic to gluten, dairy, tomatoes, probably your house and clothes detergant, and my best friend commited suicide. It's the great tragedy of my young life.
___________________________________________________

"I don't take this thing too seriously.. but since it's an app on my phone I check it from time to time. If you want to chat hit me up!"

rule #1 of fight club, dont talk about fight club!
_________________________________________________________

"I'm better at manualism than anyone I know. I'm learning some Tuvan throat singing."

Its too bad you are not gay, i bet you give a good blow job.

____________________________________________________

"bike, juicer, blender, george forman grill, Grateful Dead, dr. pepper "

Recycled american hippy
_______________________________________________

"☆I am polyamorous. I am not going to be monogamous with you. That does not mean I am afraid of or avoiding commitment; although I am slow and cautious before entering long term relationships. If you are interested in something long term with me then you should google open relationships if you haven't already.."

oh, yawn. not another one. Did mommie and daddie not get along?
_________________________________________________


"I'm straight edge and vegan but I don't carry on about either."

I think you just did.

_____________________________________

"I'd like to meet someone pleasant here."


Let me guess... I bet you like sex TOO! See, I am psychic.

____________________________________

"
Looking for a girl that feels naughty and like she deserves a spanking or just a little attention. "

Oh. They should make a special section on the website for these shanagans.
________________________________________

"
Feels weird trying to summarize the collective experience of a lifetime, so I guess I'll try while drinking."

phew. didn't have to read the whole profile or go on a date to find out your an alcoholic.
_______________________________________

"
Trying to get my life together and career off the ground."

try not being an alcoholic. You'll even get your dirty clothes and beer bottles off the ground.
____________________________________________

"
WARNING! If you want to meet and in the course of our conversation I hear a hundred times you are wild, a bitch, crazy, a free spirit, you don't conform, or any other of a number of repetitive self advertising, I will call you out on it. Generally you can figure out someone is one of these things during the course of the conversation. If you have to keep telling people you're something, you are probably not.
And if we go out and you wish to explain why casual sex is bad, ugly, disgusting, for sluts, or whatever you want to say about it, save your breath. I respect your right to not enjoy your life, please respect my right to enjoy mine. This does not mean all I want is casual sex, I love making friends and meeting interesting new people, but I have a lack of respect for high-minded preachy morality. "

Too MuCh InForMATion. PLease save baggage for your diary or your blog.
And not everyone who skips casual sex is "not enjoying their life" .... but we can tell who gets cranky spanky when he doesnt get his.
__________________________________________________

"
If everyone around you can choke on the amount of pretentiousness you spew out, I'm not interested"

woo wee. chill out dude
. * cough cough* HACK, Omg wait! i think i am choking on something!
_______________________________________________

"
I'm a complex guy. Honestly, I was in the a bar the other night reading the monkey wrench gang, while wearing a tshirt hell t-shirt making fun of seagulls choking on soda can rings, while listening to an old timey music jam, and waiting for my lamb burger with parsnip spears and a fine local porter."

Jesus, whats with all the choking? Is this a fetish?

__________________________________________________

"
I am not a robot
are you?"

um, no. Ok. glad we got that part out of the way. It's always so hard to ask.
__________________________________________________

"The first things people usually notice about me

That they're no longer wearing socks because I have successfully rocked them off."

rock my socks off? Ripleys Believe It or Not! He can also pull a rabbit out of his top hat!
____________________________________


"im panamanian, i work in construction, im legal haha, I play in a punk rock band, I own my car, and dont have kids yet, and I like to work out, I dont like to be stereotyped, so if you r a man hater, or a racist bigot, just ignore the page..."

Oh Shit! I am legal too. ha ha.
___________________________________________

"I am easy-going, and generally up for anything. I love good music, good beer, and good people. Not necessarily in that order. Going out or staying in. With the right folks, either option is pretty appealing."

have you ever been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? you would do well with it.
_____________________________________________

"The six things I could never do without
my identical twin brother
wiener dog
a list of some sort
a dream or goal"

you should be more specific about your feeling for 'wiener dog'.

________________________________________________

"On a typical Friday night I am
at home chilling with my dog playing video games on my pc... wow addict"

wow. NEXT.


_________________________________

"I'm looking for someone who is marriage oriented, wants children and would love to find someone who likes to run as much as I do or would like to."

A runaway bride?
_____________________________________

"I'm tall & have a sweet looking Gimli beard. (I wish, it's just a regular one)

I've heard I'm also quick with a joke but that's debatable. "

highly. How long did it take you to right that bad one?
______________________________________

"At this moment, I feel like I have accomplished more more than most people my age, and I am greatly humbled and appreciative of all that I have. But I feel incomplete...like there is a very large void in my life. Recently, I realized that the void is due to a lack of love in my life. Not that I don't have plenty of love and support from friends and family, because I do, but I am in need of the kind of love that comes from finding a person that causes me to have butterflies everytime I look into their eyes. I need someone to share my deepest secrets and desires with. More importantly, I want to be the guy that steals the girl's heart. I want to be th one she cant get out of her head. The one she tells all her girlfriends about.
Unfortunately, so far in life I have yet to run into this person, so I have decided to turn to the vast and infinite internet to help me in my search...to help me find someone that creates those beautiful butterflies."

might i suggest writing romance novels in the meantime?
__________________________

"I like late-sixties and early-seventies model muscle cars, motorcycles, good food, good company, wild places, physical exertion, a little bit of violence now and again, intelligent conversation, different opinions. I sometimes tend toward extremes."

So basically I will end up at the battered women's shelter?
_______________________________________________________

"I'm funny and a sarcastic asshole but not usually toward women. "

Not 'usually'. heh.
_____________________________________________________

"I'm currently working and bout to buy a truck so I can work more lol. "

I know, buying a truck and working is super funnny. lol

______________________________________________________

"I guess you could say I'm a typical outdoorsy guy. Most of my bikes and toys cost way more then my 94' 4runner."

for some reason, i just thought about all the starving children all over the world. I'm sorry what did you say your credit card debt was?
_____________________________________________________

"I'm a Punker at heart, but am very open about music, but please no country."

I am very open to punkers, but please no punkers.
________________________________________________

"If your boobies are real, you don't do botox, or haven't gone under a knife for any reason other then to fix an injury. If you can go more the a few days without a shower and like getting dirt under your nails every once and a while. "

I prefer calling them 'juggies', but boobies is ok too.
________________________________________________

"I think more than I act but hate inaction."

does this mean you hate yourself?
______________________________________________

"In my (albeit biased) opinion, I am charismatic, brilliant, dedicated, entertaining, healthy, stable, affectionate, supportive, talented, intense, and visionary. "

totally bias. any references?
___________________________________________

"how best to ride the American tsunami of consumerism and imperialism into a peaceful, beautiful, and abundant future world "

BOOM! SPLAT! ( my mind is blown!)
___________________________________________

"I grew up in a small town 30 miles east of Charlotte on a farm. I graduated college in 2005 with a degree in Business Management. Played baseball my whole life including college. So I love sports and outdoor activities. I work in the hotel industry because I'm a BEAST at customer service."

WelCOmE Tooooo AMERICA! Go USA!! War, coffee, football, a sofa, and boobs is all i need !

___________________________________________

"Sex,food,my dog,capstik,music,computer "

all together, in one bed!
____________________________________________

"On a typical Friday night I am
drinking"

unique.
____________________________________________

"I am computer scientist who enjoys self-reflection, gaming, and a good conversation."

they call video game addicts "computer scientists" now?
_____________________________________________

"i am nice guy who likes to have fun a little shy at first i like football wrestling wwe videogames hanging out "

sigh.
__________________________________________

" I like to look good because it makes me feel good! "

MEE tooo.
what a ah-ha moment this was!
___________________________________________

"Myself, the hardest to ever look at. I'm crazy, I love sex, and I
just all around enjoy life. I hate being around whiners and people
who get nothing done."

and if you dont do what i tell you bitch i am gonna break dishes over your fuckin' head?
_____________________________________________

X0XoXOXooxxx
PS - Sorry guys, the devil made me do it! No copyright intended on OKcupid or the victims of the blog post.

9 comments:

Erik said...

"i always wanted to be the unloved 4th wheel of a polyamorous man's world."

OMG, me too! He's clearly an ALPHA alpha male.

Teresa Evangeline said...

Funny stuff. If it wasn't all true. Good exercise in seeing past the drift. And people wonder why they're still single. Woe is me. Glad to know your antennae are up.

Ike said...

Heh... Amazing how many of them mentioned "Gaming" in some way. Quite sad that a huge percentage of people today don't really have much experience with "real life".

MaryJane said...

Very funny Leslie! Mind if I do one?

"The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I havent had a meaningful relationship in 4 years

Every once in a while I listen to the Indigo Girls and Tori Amos."

-Good indication you may be gay-

Leslie's Gone Oko said...

I would love if ya'll added to any of them! the more the merrier!

MaryJane.... lol.

And yeah... i could have done a whole "gaming" section in and of itself. If you like guys who play videos games non stop, go to OKcupid now, it's gaming nerd heaven.
I am just guessing, when you have to dedicate tons of your time to playing video games, its really hard to find the time to get out and meet real people, so best to just use an internet profile to do all the work for ya.
;)

Liberty said...

some of those had me laughing out loud (for real :)
totally loved this bit "I'm pale but not scary looking"
LOL!
and "I'm a BEAST at customer service"
love it!

Sean said...

I'm now considering reactivating my old OKStupid account after reading all this. Actually, I found your blog through your OKC profile via your link to The OKO Box.

Personally, my personal pet peaves (read: major psychotic effing hatreds) are:

1) any username that included "4u" in it;

2) under 30 girls who spend alot of time thinking about "your mom" (hey my mom's 70 yo, so I don't care to know why ANYONE under 70 yrs of age would think that sort of thing;

3) people who think they're good at "anything they put their minds to..." (try some heavy math and try butting heads with those users who have Ph.D.'s in the subject- and let's not get started on rocket science); and

4) the obviously phony spam-pornbot profile with the phony photo that's easily called out by one search at TinEye.Com

Lastly, I interpret "Every once in a while I listen to the Indigo Girls and Tori Amos..." as possibly meaning that he wishes he could bang gay/bi girls WAY too young for him, as if they would be interested in him to begin with. Never liked either of those artist myself...

Oh well, I'm off to bed. Cheers all!

Leslie's Gone Oko said...

sean! LOL

I cant believe there is a trend to say "your mom".....
AND
"anything i put my mind to"....
... give me a break people! lol that is so vague and meaningless.

xoxo
I just got back on.... hadn't used that profile in like a year. WHO were YOu?

Sean said...

I was/am/will-be-again "Ultramafic_" which are a rock-type that's rich in iron & magnesium, come from deep within the earth, and are various shades of green, usually a very deep green. Interpret that as you will! I chose the name mainly because I think those rocks look and are really cool, and I also like the name. :-]