Ritual-less Ritual

Change. It's not just the seasons... it's another one of those things that happens inside me, something that feels like I made it over a hurdle I didn't even know i was jumping. Then i am free'd by the feeling of my feet hitting the ground. Not Running. Standing still, seeing, watching, learning.

All my life people have thought I was a free spirit and most my life I have felt largely trapped by this, that and the other... something always holding me back (usually I could blame the stagnation on my health). It's not some kind of hippy thing, like I am going to fee myself by joining a nudist colony & OM'ing... it's inside me. Something that says, I am free to have what i deserve, free to seek what interests me, free to look in the mirror and like what i see no matter what the world may see, free to love what i love, free to run around a big fire with headphones stuck in my ears & dance. And no one is watching. No needs to be.

I never was good at religion, rituals, worship or agreeing with the Pope. And I'm still not. I wouldn't even make a good witch. My religion is watching the fire with a smile, having enough food and being thankful for it, having a place to live that reminds me of what heaven would be like (at least during the better seasons), and hell during the winter. Trials of sacrafice and empowerment in simple tasks, like staying warm, finding friends in a remote location, getting behind the wheel of a car and finally being able to drive again.

And freedom for me = i can get my feet dirty. Completely black.

XOxoxoxoX

Heather's House

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My friend Heather sees the beauty in all things.

Heather's House from Militia Chick on Vimeo.

xoxoxo

Cabin FEVAH, the signs

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things I think may indicate I have cabin fever ::::

1. thinking too much

2. feeling like my body wants to jump out of itself

3. wanting sunshine so bad it feels like i lost a lover every day it's cloudy

4. my dancing becomes more angry looking and spastic (alot of hair swinging)

5. getting snippy with my cat when she claws up my leg

6. a hot bath feels better then anything in the world when the first foot goes in

7. continuous thoughts of running away, far far away

8. wishing for vices that would make me knocked out or drunk

9. spending too much time on the internet

10. wondering what all the other people my age are doing at this very moment

11. wondering if my life is passing me by cause i am not standing up and doing a project at that moment

12. contemplating how important brushing my teeth is if no one is coming by, but forcing twice a day

13. urges to drive all the way to town in the snow just to get a rice milk & see cute boys in the check out line

14. checking my arm pitt smell and analzying what it means

15. Ovulation becomes a tragedy of cabin cleaning and lust

16. i remember i am only human

xoxoxo

Composting Toilet Reality Check

Over the last year of living at the Luck Cabin I have been able to learn about how some sustainable ideas work in reality.... and not just how they work in the manufacturers description. Which may be where the first problem starts - things that have to be manufactured have a chance of costing a bit much and not really being the easiest thing to work with.

I wanna start out with saying I do not regret having a composting toilet system , a septic system is destructive & i want no part of putting one on my land - I do however have some things to share with those who are considering a similar composting solution to mine.

(Not all composting toilet methods are created equal!! You can spend anywhere between $10 handmade to over $2,000 mega system.)

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REALITY CHECK:::

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#1: the urine container fills up fast. For just me alone it fills up in a week or so. If people come over, it has the chance of overflowing if I dont think to empty it right before they get here.... which i am here to say is GRROOOOSSSSSsssSSSS. So gross! JEzuz, and i dont get grossed out very easily, as ya'll should know. I can skin a dead chipmunk, but urine splashing out onto my face is another monster all together!

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#2: You will be scooping poop! The thing is it is supposed to be nice composted poop turned into garden goddess blackness, but there are times when this plan doesnt work out, and also what about the very last shit you took before you are about to clean out the poop container??? Yeah, that one didn't have time to compost. This is when i really think a Humanure system, handmade with a bucket that can be easily pulled out and dumped is MUCH better then any permanent system (if you are in a cabin, obviously not in a boat!)

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#3: Winter = Cold = Poop ain't gonna turn to dirt! My cabin was not warm enough to keep up composting temperatures, so basically what happened during winter was the poop was kept at a really nice cold temp that kept it fresh! mmmMmmMm! Perfectly preserved poop waiting for me to scoop out!

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#4 : When ya scoop it out the container, if it didn't compost good enough your whole house will stink like poop but worse. Enough said there.

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#5: Who's gonna clean up after? I know this sounds minor but the reality of it is a bit different, I have to use plastic bags or something to cover my hands and arms to scoop out the poop (cause remember some of it wont be composted), then i use a shovel to scoop it, and then a bucket to poop the poop in. So once all these things have poop on them, you have to find a way to clean them. Spray a hose outside, of course.... and have poop splatter back onto your clothes when it flings off the bucket.

I have chose to let time take care of these things, in the rain. I leave the buckets, shovel out in the weather to clean it off.

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NOTE :::: ALL of this is way more intense (I believe) if you have more then one person using the composting toilet... I am by myself, mostly dealing with my own waste. Decide how much you love your partner ahead of time and be prepared to dive your hands into their poop if you want this kind of system.

Again --- BUCKET! Easy to remove trays! something, anything.... is better then scooping! Find a composting system that makes the removal of the waste as simple as possible, because in a ideal world it's black dirt, in the real world someone took a shit yesterday and it didnt get a chance to become black gold.

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My vote is to have two systems ideally. Depending on your situation of course, but if you are in a cabin (aka not in a boat, RV, or tiny house on wheels) use a easy bucket humanure style toilet, and build an outhouse for guests during parties.
At least.... that is what I am about to start building this summer.

Xoxoxoxo

I Love Big Rains and Big Winds

It's really that simple. I feel soothed by a big storm, the bigger the more soothing. It might be in my DNA since I grew up in New Orleans... on the hurricane coast. This spring is coming early, maybe cause the ground hog said so, maybe cause we collectively begged for it with all our might, or maybe for the real reason... chance & luck & natures choice.
Either way, i enjoy the fog after the pour and the way the creeks rise with power and deafening noise.
I think one reason nature is never boring is because you can never ever see every bit of it, and it keeps changing with the weather, the temperature, the seasons, the sun, the clouds... it's like a painting that will never be complete. Or much like the library... you know you will never read all the books there are, you'd have to live many lifetimes to see it all.... even if you settled to only read all the good books.
The creek can be a trickle, it can be frozen into a so many shapes, spikes, bubbles, and then with a rain it can become a waterfall so powerful it would knock you out. I really like them all.


xoxoxox

Gettin' JuJu Back Home, On My Own....

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I thought I couldn't do it by myself... but like all human invention, necessity is the birth of all brilliance. And really, i did nothing brilliant except to work with what I had, and that was not alot.
A truck, a short rope, and lots of sweet talk/encouragement.
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Usually in these tough cases with JuJu not wanting to come home, i have a longer rope and tie it to the back of the truck. Then one person drives the truck while another keeps the rope in check (making sure it doesnt tangle in the truck tires!)
But... sometimes its a lonely rainy day... and sometimes I get determined to do it all on my own. Hard headed? Reclusive? Loner? Not in spirit, but in action.
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So this time, I drove right up to where she was staying (under my neighbors house/porch). JuJu was happy I had come over since she really wants us to move there (she greeted me with a long insane Hee Haw), but we are not moving there... i took her rope without a word and brought her to the truck, I got in the door and hooked the rope on my outside truck mirror. This was not planned ahead of time, i worked this on a moment by moment basis ...
I really thought as i did it --- !!!kiss that mirror goodbye, she is gonna rip that piece of crap right off!!! ---- but...

instead, we were liberated! We were a team...

Watch here...



xoxoxx

Winter's Close

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In spite of the fact that it snowed here again a few days ago, it is slowly melting, dripping and soaking the ground at this very moment. Spring wants to be here so bad. I can see it in the neighbors dog's coat which is flinging hair into the air, i can see it when i get close to the ground and tiny green things are coming up, so tiny i cant identify which wild plant they will be.... tiny inch worms coming out from under a leaf, then going back into hiding. Frogs croaking a mating call that sounds like women gossiping furiously.... then silence in the cold of the night.
I am ready. Of course, who isnt ready for this long winter to end? I am ready for the sun to tan and mark my skin, to exaggerate every freckle on my face, to give me energy while relaxing my soul.
The winter has been a weary sort of nightmare. I never really thought about it before hand but I suppose it was my first winter living in the woods, sustainable, remote and totally alone. I have been living in the woods over ten years now... most the time i had some partner (ah, boyfriends...i remember those!)... and during those years most of my sustainable living was just in the learning phases, it certainly wasn't this hardcore.
If you have a partner right now, at this very moment, be thankful - even if they suck in some ways... the only reason to not be thankful is if they suck so bad they dont even help ya carry in wood to stay warm. Otherwise, another pair of arms is like.... heaven during the winter!
Can we all do it alone? Probably shouldnt, but anyone half healthy can do it. Can we all stay sane living like this alone? I doubt most can. You might think I stayed sane... but i don't think i really stayed healthy in my mind throughout this semi-off grid winter.
Depression, exasperation, anger, resentment, insane laughter, cursing, frustration ... were all my friends. You could even say they were my partner, since there was a void to fill where no extra helping hand existed. Anger might motivate me to keep pushing through the snow, anger would say "don't stop now, don't let the snow get ya! the snow will not defeat you!", as i pushed up a mile long steep hill carrying so much food on my tiny back I thought i would break, but instead got hypothermia. All the emotions we like to dub as "bad" and "negative" are great motivators. I kept from falling asleep with hypothermia in the the snow by yelling out things into the empty frozen air - things i resented in my life, i released them, and changed them soon as i got home.
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Now, snow drips, melts - it tries to wet my last pile of firewood... since the ice ripped off the gutters on the cabin a while back. Wet wood, does not keep you as warm, wet wood is annoying but I will burn it regardless. I have gotten to the point that i can light a great fire with using only one single match to begin with. YAY! i think... that matters? But only if i choose this way of life.
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Did a winter of slipping on snow and ice, fainting, cutting my hand, cursing frozen water, cursing a dirty body, and being snowed in away from humans make me not want to live this way? Does it make me want to be back in the city in central heat and TV?

No fucking way!
When the city lights go out and there is no heat, i am still warm and cooking on my wood stove.
To put it crudely.... ya know how people say "once you go black you never go back"...
*ehem*
well, its kinda like that, but with nature.

xoxoxox

JuJu the Donkey's Buck Wild Hike (ft.) Bruiser the Dog

Today was the first time i have dared to take JuJu the donkey on a walk, since her last run away stunt to the neighbors house. In our case, the grass really is always greener, cause we dont really have any grass. So, she has a point.
Our odd herd (trio of unlike species- human, donkey, dog) had an awesome time hiking to the top of "bob knobs" ridge and overlooking one of the most fantastic parts of Western North Carolina.
On our walk JuJu really made the saying "buck wild" come to a reality (watch video below)...
Once we got to the top,
JuJu ate grass, Bruiser was the ever ready body guard, and I listened to headphones, felt the wind, handed out treats and enjoyed it until the cold felt less good then the view.
On the way home,
JuJu did run away AGAIN... and ya'll know how that goes.

Anyone wanna come help me get her back home?



xoxox

Run Away Fantasy + Passport Sillies

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run away fantasy. better then a coma fantasy.

Ever since I can remember I have been fascinated with the idea of running away. From what, it never really mattered - what mattered was the feeling of freedom running away seemed to bring. Something close to enlightenment, meditation, a beautiful scene, a kiss, any moment that makes the details disappear and all you feel is alive.

I am ever prepared for it too, always knowing what i would put in my backpack, what i really would have to bring. of course finding out I had Celiac Sprue and other health problems put a HUGE damper on my run away obsession - only fueling the fantasy even more (repression does that!), making it always seem more urgent then it had since i was 13 and needed to escape puberty. But now, i can't just run away, everything has to be meticulously planned so that i have the right food, water, environment otherwise the whole fun would be ruined by something like diarrhea or brain damage or the feeling i can not breathe, swallow. A sexy run away, I am.

So yesterday I fulfilled one of my run away fantasies and that was to apply for my USA/international passport. In 4-6 weeks I can leave the country if i so desire.
But it wasn't easy to get to that point...
and even the fantasy is as frightening as it is exhilarating.



xoxoxo

My Cat Toots

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My cat Toots is not especially nice to strangers, in fact she is terrified of everything and pretty much acts feral... except with me when we are all alone.
I sleep with her every night, and I like to believe we mutually makes each other's life nicer, easier, warmer.
She was a kitten who was doomed at the shelter, the vet i had gone to when the love of my life "Kitty" was dieing, happened to pick up some kittens from the shelter who needed medical attention for a bad cold. Toots had almost died the day before and when they handed her to me she sneezed blood, then started purring in my arms.
Love at first sight is absolutely real.



Xoxoxo