Big Black Crow

They mean something to me, the crows.

I'll share the story why...

Back some years ago I was pregnant, and so sick after the first 2 1/2 months I could no longer eat, and eventually could hardly drink any water. When you are starving to death, creeping below 80 pounds, you become acutely aware of your surroundings, your spirit, your hormones spinning thoughts in repetitive patterns... and you become loopy, you hallucinate. I had a name picked out for the baby already, his name was going to be Orion Harold Richard- but as time/weeks drew on I could feel both me and Orion slipping away from life. I began singing a song in my mind, over and over, day and night like a broken record for over a week. Blackbird by The Beatles, and being that I had lost my mind from hunger and knowing what was to come, at that point I changed the baby's name simply to Blackbird in my mind.

When I got in the truck (still chanting the song in my head like a mantra) on the way to get an emergency surgery that would end the pregnancy and save my life, immediately a large flock of black crows came flying along side the road. I noticed and nodded. When me and the father of Orion/Blackbird parked outside the doctor's clinic waiting for the nurses and doctor to arrive giant black crows began landing right ON THE TRUCK! Literally- on the mirror next to me in the passenger seat, on the hood, flapping their wings at the dashboard, hopping on the ground around us. You could say I was in shock, comfort and awe. I am sure at the time I sounded insane to Orion's father, but I told him the blackbirds were there for me... he shook his head and asked me if i wanted to eat something. But what really went on inside me at that moment were two things:
*One, I realized that nothing lives or dies without being made up of parts of something else - the air i was breathing out would be inhaled by other creatures, plants and the crows making a fuss at my window, they would lay eggs, have babies, everything was a cycle of borrowed molecules.
*Two, I felt the soul of my own baby Blackbird, my Orion leave my body - it took my breath away and I couldn't explain that feeling to anyone.

After that experience, Each time I was going somewhere significant in my life the crows would show up, a flock that would fly in the direction I knew I belonged to be going. I would know I was going to the wrong home, back to the wrong life, if they flew the opposite way of my car. The big 'blackbirds' signaled when I needed to move on, when I needed to stay, and when I needed to be reminded I wasn't alone.

Now I live where they stay. Crows surround my house everyday, I find them in the fog in the woods, down by the creeks, in my trees, on my porch - swooping back and forth making their loud caw'ing sounds- telling me over and over that I am now home. I can finally stay somewhere and call it my own.


Xoxoxooxox Love U crows.